Tag Archives: change

Today I Sat

As Katie steered the Honda out of the driveway and off to school, the quiet settled over the house. The sun was shining. Work needed to happen outside. I settled on the back patio, not fit to do much else. I skipped my normal Tuesday morning 5:30AM run with the group. I’m battling some sort of chest cold. I slept in until 6:00AM, what a treat! Saturday is the first long bike ride of the year, 85 miles down around the LBJ ranch. I’d like to be healthy for that. So I’m backing off the physical stress to see if I can kick this.

I felt OK today until about 3:30. Then I just crashed. I went down for a 30 minute nap and then realized when I woke that supper needed to get going because Luke had to leave at 5 for his ball game. I think I’ll need the extra rest tomorrow morning as well so I’m going to skip the 5:30AM swim tomorrow morning too.

Back to the sitting…I sat and I thought and I prayed. What about this? What about that? Little questions. Telling Father what’s on my mind and heart. Giving it to Him to let Him sift it and give it back. No answers yet. That’s ok. I trust Him.



I sat some more tonight. My daughters were inducted into the National Honor Society and as I sat through the ceremony I was so proud of them. They’ve endured so much change in the last 24 months. Their mother went from remission to fading quickly and then gone. They had to go to a new school, make new friends and learn new  skills. They’ve become meal managers and cooks, cleaners and brother sitters. They could have folded, called  it quits and airmailed it in. But they didn’t. I’d like to think part of that reason is that I’ve dedicated myself to being plugged in, leaning into them during this time and forging new relational links that just didn’t have to exist when they had a mother.

Yes, that’s definitely part of it. But part of it is the 50% of their mother they have in them. They’ve handled all the change with amazing grace and skill, just like her. And of course, another part of it is the grace from the Father. He strengthens us when we are weak. All of us have been there. But now we’re working with Him to bring about good things: Luke turns 12 on Monday. We are celebrating on Sunday evening. I’m sorry you won’t be able to come. Its going to be a hoot! LIterally!

Its a Harry Potter themed party complete with owls in cages. Our dining room table is covered in decor, ready to turn our house into everything from Kings Cross Station (Platofrm 9&3/4) to the Hogwarts Castle. The girls are the driving force behind this creative binge, but we’re all engaged. Everyone is excited about it.

We’re doing life together. Celebrating the passage of another year. And believe me, we don’t take those years for granted any more! A birthday celebration is big news!

I thought today would be wasted, in the sitting. But in the sitting I found rest not only for my body but encouragement for my heart and soul.

Accepted!

Thanks for your prayers. The meeting last week was fantastic! I received the acceptance packet from the school on Friday. I am impressed by their care and concern for each of my children and their educational success.

The elder three will attend class three days per week while Matt will only attend two days. That means I’ll have him all to myself on Mondays. I’m already looking forward to those days together. And I can already feel some of the weight lifted from my shoulders as well. Katie will be in full bore college selection mode next year. That would have all fallen on me. Now she’ll have expert assistance guiding her through the process. Yes!

I know the children are nervous about the new situation but I also know they’ll adjust and thrive. I’ve talked to them about how we’ve all had to deal with tremendous change the past two years. I’ve explained that this schooling change is different than what we’ve been used to, but that on the grand scale of change they’ve experienced, this is on the lower end.

Now pray for diligence as we press through to finish this year’s lessons by late-June before we head to California for a family camp at Mt Hermon.

B-Gone, B-9, B-Healed…Its a way of life!

Sometimes There’s Pain…

…during and after a significant effort to meet a goal. Pushing and conforming your body (or mind, soul, emotions, spirit, habits) into new realities is rarely without discomfort. Putting yourself on the line for change is risky. That’s part of the pain too. To make a break with the known present and embrace an unknown future, even if its desirable, upsets the status quo. And that too is disquieting.

Pain doesn’t mean you failed…it means you lived.

Habitual Change

I knew driving on the left side of the road would be a challenge, but as we left the city behind on our second day in Australia I thought I was doing alright. After picking up the rental car I had managed to do a u-turn in town without violating any traffic laws or colliding with any locals. Plus I had found the right road out of Cairns towards our rental apartment in Trinity Beach and we were on our way!

I was hyper-alert because of everything feeling backwards, but all was relatively calm and smooth. Then came the first roundabout that necessitated a lane change. As I checked over my shoulder, my left hand automatically flicked the turn indicator lever up to merge right. I heard a strange whooshing noise and as my gaze snapped back forward I was immediately surprised and consternated by the fact that the windshield wipers were going full speed and no blinker light was flashing on the dashboard. What!? Arghh! What’d I do wrong?

Oh yeah…the blinkers are on the right side of the column in Australia and New Zealand! I quickly rectified the situation but kept the children laughing for the entire 30 minute drive as I signaled my intention to turn by activating the wipers at most every opportunity. My howls of protest and wild machinations to identify the right lever kept them in stitches. I could only chortle along with them as I applied my utmost concentration only to fail again and again that day. My left hand just wouldn’t stay put after being called on for thirty years to flick that lever. Humbling? Pretty much.

Fortunately the pedals were not switched around, the gas is still on the right, brake to the left/center and clutch on the far left if present. If those had been different I’d have been a cabbage (New Zealand slang). I was still pretty close to making cole slaw though. Turning left meant a near turn while a right turn crossed traffic. It was a constant and massive flow of foreign input that had to be accurately processed in real time to maintain our safe travel.

Turns out our brains are pretty amazing. By the end of the week in Australia my gray matter was starting to create new neural pathways. The stress of making turns had abated. I was able to converse with the children instead of locking myself into focused silence. If I set off the wipers it was usually only one time at the start of a drive. That audible and visual cue jolting me back to the new reality and reminding me to be ever vigilant with my right hand to indicate the turn.

Fast forward two weeks and I had mastered shifting a manual transmission with my left hand while driving the winding roads in New Zealand. The blinkers came more or less natural and turns weren’t an issue at all. I still climbed into the car on the wrong side twice while in the islands but other than that I was fairly comfortable. By the time we ended our twenty-one day tour through Middle Earth we were all looking forward to coming home, none more so than me. I was eagerly anticipating getting back on the right side of the road so 30 years of habit could take back over.

However, a funny thing happened the first time I slid behind the wheel here in the U.S. In fact, there was no wheel. I climbed into the right side of the vehicle only to be confronted with an empty dash. Once properly ensconced and underway I had to make a left turn into my sister’s subdivision. There was an island in the road. Without thinking I turned to the left side…my wipers indicating my intended turn.

The kids were cracking up. So was I. But I was also stunned. Thirty years of habitual action had been effectively re-wired after just thirty days of driving on the left side. Driving is typically performed at such a core level that we routinely talk, sing, read, apply makeup, eat and more while driving because its so automatic. We don’t have to think about it. The car just goes where we want, the blinkers coming on when they’re supposed to. I knew I had worked hard during the trip to make sure the 2000 miles we drove would be safe, but I never figured that relatively short effort could actually make a dent on such an ingrained habit.

But it did. It took me a good week of regular driving back here in the states before I wasn’t thinking about driving anymore. The implications are profound. What other habits do I have that I consider to be so ingrained I can’t change them? Changing behavioral patterns takes work, but I’ve discovered that even behaviors that are performed so automatically as to be almost subconscious can indeed be changed and that change can be affected with relative speed.

Losing Kristi last year has of course caused me to change many long held behavior patterns out of necessity. And then over the last 20 months I’ve changed my lifestyle to become an endurance athlete. However with the revelation last month I’m looking at all my behaviors in a new light, because now I know that even slapping the pejorative label of “habitual” on an attitude, behavior or emotion doesn’t mean its insulated from change. In fact, change can be just around the corner. What’s on your habitual list that needs changing?