Category Archives: Inspirational

Posts that relate to living faithfully.

This One Little Choice Can Change Your Life

I posted a selfie of the children and me on my personal Facebook account today. The caption? “Everything is Awesome!” Really? My last grandparent, my mom’s mom, passed away yesterday. Its the first time death has come close since we lost Kristi just 20 months ago. How could I make that imageproclamation? Because I realize that shortly after Kristi passed, I made a choice to love my life and those in it. Is this the life I would have chosen? Nope. Is it the life I have? Yep.

Two choices then:

Live life kicking and screaming at the injustice, letting everyone I bump into know how unhappy I am at being wronged.

Or, choose to love life as it is. To embrace this reality and work together with my Heavenly Father to bring about every good thing.

I chose the second option. You can too. Its the power of love.

Give, Build Up, Bring Life

 

Designation VS Definition

My dad turned seventy on Friday. I gave him eight birthday cards, one for each decade he’s lived plus one for his special day. Each card had a title with a prominent name or position he wore for that decade: Donald (0-10), Donnie (10-20), Daddy (20-30), Dad (30-40), Father-In-Law (40-50), Pawpaw (50-60), Personal Trainer (60-70).

Within each card I listed other names and titles he used during that decade of his life. For the eighth card I titled it simply, Friend. Out of all his titles and names through the years, the one I like best now is that one. It’s how we relate to each other.

What started as a cute idea quickly became a profound lesson as I reflected on all his names and titles. I’ve worn many of the titles he has and many of them I hope to wear some day. But right now I’m wearing one he’s never worn: widower.

I never planned on having this title, at least not at this age. This is something that only happens to people my dad’s age, right? Right. But hiding from it doesn’t help. Denying it doesn’t deny the reality of the circumstance. It’s the correct designation. But what does it say about me? Will I let it define me and my future?

There it is. Designation versus definition.

With a life change as significant as Widower, you can’t help but be affected. It is certainly a defining moment. How I choose to handle this will affect the rest of my life. Will it be a designation for this period of my life or define the rest of my existence?

Widow and widower both are terms that grate on the nerves. They portend deep loss, broken hearts and dreams, grief, sadness and fear of the future. Will that be the definition I saddle on my life?

Its a hard place. But in that place I have found resolve. Resolve to continue to love, to expect restoration, to heal my heart, to laugh again and to build new dreams. Where did I get that resolve? Love.

The opposite of fear is not fearlessness, but love. In fact there’s an ancient Jewish saying that says, “Perfect love casts out fear…the one who fears is not perfected in love.” Where do you find that kind of love? Only one place I know. It was demonstrated perfectly in the life of one person. Jesus.

In the tumult of care-giving and fighting Kristi’s cancer and in the wilderness of fresh grief and loss, love is hard to hear and easy to let slip out of sight. Training helped me find it again. Training won’t heal your grief. The love of Jesus can. Training can help you find your way though until you discover it.

I don’t know how long I’ll wear this designation, widower, but it won’t define me. How about you?

Drill and Vise for dad tasks

Dad Stuff

Loved today! A full day of doing dad stuff. Got the tires rotated and oil changed on my daughter’s car. Then spent the afternoon assembling IKEA furniture for my boys’ room. Kristi never did these kind of tasks. There were exclusively my domain. It felt right. I wasn’t bumbling around, trying to figure stuff out (other than deciphering the IKEA pictographs…). I was in my element. Sweet!

As New Year’s comes and goes, I encourage you to find some time to do some stuff that’s in your domain. I know the stress that comes with all the other tasks you get to deal with now. Whether you’re good at them or not, they’re yours. So take some time to do your thing. Do Dad stuff!

PS I swam this morning too. 2000 yards. Was trying out my new swim paddles I got for Christmas.

God In Diapers

That’s what we are celebrating today. God arrived on the scene, as a helpless baby. He put a lot of trust in a young couple to make a lot of tough decisions in difficult circumstances.

But he didn’t leave them alone and without resources. Some two years after Jesus was born, the wise men showed up with a load of gold, incense and herbs. The young family was about to have to make a quick move to Egypt and their Heavenly Father funded the trip in advance. Nice!

I don’t know where your faith is. I certainly don’t have all the answers. But I have come to trust the heart of my Father in heaven. I know he’s good. I know that he’s not pissed with me. I know that losing Kristi was not an act of divine retribution or callousness. In fact the message of the Christmas angel to the shepherds in the field was in effect this: “God has come to earth, walking as one of you. He trusts you. He’s at peace with you and his favor rests on humankind.”

I don’t know why Kristi died. I’m not going to wrap it up in spiritual language and call it good. It sucked. Still does. I don’t have an answer from God as to why. I’m not really asking that question. It happened. The question I have asked is, “Can I trust God?” In the midst of mind-altering pain, can I trust him? When just willing myself to take a deep breath so I don’t scream seems like a monumental achievement, does He care? Am I alone and without resources?

On the anniversary of Kristi’s death, He brought me back to that place of trust in his character, his heart for me, his trust in me to make tough decisions in difficult circumstances. You can read about it here.

On this Christmas night, my prayer for you is that you would also find Him trustworthy. That you would discover that he is good and he is pleased with you. That’s why Jesus came. To open up access to his Father’s heart so we could all share in that same presence. I hope you find it.

Training is awesome. Jesus is better.

Merry Christmas!

Every. Single. Day.

My plan has been paying dividends. We are immersed in the Christmas season. And I have to say, it has been merry. If you’ve been reading long, you know that last year we got the heck out of Dodge and went to the other side of the world. I couldn’t bear the thought of six weeks of weepy looks, sad glances, and sympathetic mutterings as we navigated the holidays without Kristi for the first time. So we celebrated as a family, making new memories and putting a positive end on 2013 and great start to 2014.

This fall, with the children in a new school, the holidays have been exactly that: time off from school. They’ve enjoyed the breaks like never before. Being absent last year, we’ve all been eager to bust out the Christmas decorations and fix the house up pretty. I’ll admit, I’ve always been into Christmas…even more than Kristi. So, it was with great enthusiasm I untangled strings of lights and began draping garland around the house. And the plan…well, each and every day since November 23rd (the day we left in 2013) we’ve been talking about where we were last year at this time.

“Hey remember the glow worm cave?”

“Yeah! And what about that Archer fish? That was SO cool when it shot that cracker off the rope with a jet of water!”

“Today we were in Hobbiton! I wanna go back!”

And so forth. We’ve been reliving our tour through New Zealand and Australia this year. What a gift! Life is good. We are doing well.

And yet, its there. Even as the vise-like grip of immediate grief has softened over the last year and a half, the underlying reality of loss is always company. Just last week I actually waved at an oncoming car as I thought Kristi was driving. It was a reaction I hadn’t anticipated. A Honda Element, just like ours, was approaching with a slight, blond woman driving. My hand was up and waving before my brain had processed that it couldn’t be. I wasn’t derailed in despair or sobbing for the rest of the day. My throat simply constricted and I had to blink a few times. Yep, we’ve had a great loss.

Every time I stand at the stove, or shop for groceries or tuck the children to bed or go for a run, bike or swim, I realize its there. Its become kind of like the air. Most of the time you don’t think about it, but loss is always there. Actually, to be truthful, it comes to mind more than the air does. I don’t dwell on it but it consistently hangs around.

But, that’s OK. You can’t lose something as precious as life and love and have it just disappear as though it never was. So I keep moving forward. Little goals, daily steps to keep living life, to live fit, faithful and fulfilled. That’s what Kristi would have wanted. Its what the children need. Its what I need.

And so in this season, I’ve chosen to be merry. To celebrate with the children. Happiness is a choice, so is contentment. Do I wish Kristi was here to complete the family, to enjoy the season?

Every. Single. Day.

But I choose to live on, in spite of loss. I choose to honor the love and life that Kristi lived and embrace the merry moments, knowing that each day there will be other moments. Moments that make breathing difficult and blur the vision. But if there were no grief, I would question if there’d ever been love. So grief reminds me of love. Love that lives on in our family. And when I see their smiles and laughter, I choose to be merry.

Its also time to give back. Its time for me to help other men who find themselves in a similar situation. Check out the Facebook page (and like it please!), and I’m changing my blog around. I’ve begun writing to bring hope and encouragement to other widowers that they too can not only survive, but keep moving forward in life and live fit, faithful and fulfilled.

Fit: Endurance training for triathlon has helped me stay healthy, move forward and set and achieve goals and handle the myriad of responsibilities being a single parent brings. Other widowers need to be encouraged to take up some form of endurance training. (whether swim, bike, run, obstacle races or triathlon) I’ve never been in better shape and the long swims, runs and rides are cathartic on so many levels.

Faithful: Being physically fit and trained only gets you so far in dealing with life and grief. Moving forward with a real, consequential relationship with God is crucial to handling life and keeping your focus from being myopically centered on yourself.

Fulfilled: Its tempting, when you lose your wife, to just not care any more. Its tempting to withdraw and become hardened. But life is still worth living. Living Fit and Faithful will lead toward a life of Fulfillment, even though the future is going to be much different than I ever imagined.

So, here it is, Fit For A Widower. What it will ultimately become, I’m not sure. I just know that its time to jump off the dock and start swimming. There’s one of those endurance analogies creeping in again. Well, life and love are endurance sports. Might as well train to succeed in them…

Every. Single. Day.

Fit For A Widower

I stumbled across a sobering statistic a couple of weeks ago…520,000 women worldwide will die of breast cancer in the next year! After a few quick Google searches, I calculated that equates to roughly 24,000 women in the United States. As of 2010 (the last year that stats were available) slightly more than 50% of women are married. Guess what? That means there are roughly 1,000 new widowers every month in the United States, from breast cancer alone!

Enter Fit For A Widower. I’ve founded and launched Fit For A Widower to do three things:

1. Encourage widowers (and widows) to take up some form of endurance training as a positive, healthy means to living a fit, faithful and full life.

2. Provide encouragement from my own journey through grief. My faith and my training have been key components that have allowed me to not only survive these past two and half years, but start to live again, in spite of the loss that slaps me in the face countless times per day.

3. Create a community where widowers and widows can come together to train, to compete, to find encouragement and an understanding ear.

I’ve got big dreams, and it may take some time to get there, but if I’ve learned one thing in this journey through loss, its this: start now and go after your dreams. You never know how long you have.

I think that’s a good place to start. I think that’s fit for a widower to pursue! Follow me, here we go!

 

The Tears Began to Flow

as the music started on Monday morning last week. It was the first day of family camp at Mount Hermon, in the Santa Cruz Mountains. Kristi grew up going to family and youth camps there. She loved it. Time spent there played a key role in who she was as a child of God. As a family we enjoyed our own trips we made to Mt Hermon over the years. We always had a fondness for it because it’s where we first met and the spark ignited between us. I knew the week would be good and I knew it might be hard, but I knew it was the right place to be as this first year without her draws to a close.

When the tears came along with the first strains of the song, I didn’t try to hold them back. I let them roll. There was sadness in the tears, but healing was there too. I worshiped. Peace was found. Joy too.

It helped that the children were completely engaged in the camp experience, wringing enjoyment out of every minute and activity. Together, we conquered the climbing wall, the ropes course and the canopy zip-line tour. Together we boarded the train for the winding trip along the river to the beach in Santa Cruz. Together we wandered the cool trails beneath the giant redwoods, exchanging exclamations about their height or girth or the hole in the trunk we could all crawl in. Together we sang, we laughed and we worshiped. Together as a family we laughed and cried. I reveled in the children’s eagerness, excitement and enthusiasm.

Friday morning found me down at the front of the meeting room, kneeling in prayer at the close of the final teaching session. The tears came again. This time the Lord gave me a small understanding of the volume of prayers that have been lifted up this past year for me, for my children and for our family. I realized that we have navigated these first twelve months because of grace poured out on us from family, friends and the Father above. Thank you for praying. I am beginning to understand just how much we’ve been held in His hands.

But the seminal moment of the week was a short, thirty-minute meeting I was blessed to  share with Roger, the director at Mt Hermon. A friend and colleague from camp days, he is currently dealing with his own stage 4 cancer battle. He allowed me to pray for him as we shared about our lives over the past few years. The prayer was precious, and lovely. It was authentic and flowed from deepest compassion, bathed in tears. And as it flowed, freedom came. Freedom from fear. Freedom from having to be right. Freedom from having to hold it all together. Freedom to just be present with the Father. Freedom to be joyful. That’s what I needed most.

Saturday morning, just before we departed, I gathered the children in a quiet grove of redwoods and encouraged them that we’ve made it through this first year. Not that its some sort of magic demarcation line for never feeling sad or lonely, but that its a stake in the ground moment, that we’re going to make it…as a family and individuals. That we’ve taken one of the hardest hits you can be dealt and not only survived but done pretty darn well! I’m so proud of who they are, and told them so. It was a peaceful and encouraging time, even with the boys fidgeting with sticks and the dirt. Doves flitted around the low branches above us. I reminded them that in the Bible the Spirit often came in the form of a dove.

“God loves you, accepts you, forgives you.” I echoed the lessons they learned this week in day camp and the youth gatherings. Christ fulfilled the law and through his death and resurrection he broke the power of sin and death. I finished by reading from 1 Corinthians 15:55 “Where O death is your victory? Where O death is your sting?”

I knew it would be a good week. But to be able to proclaim that, here on the cusp of one year apart… that made it a great week!

Matt bounded into my bed

at 6:45AM this morning. He was vibrating with excitement as the day had finally arrived to celebrate his 8th birthday. His actual birthday is the 16th but we will be on the road then so we spent the day at a local amusement park with two of his buddies.

It was a great day, full of life, joy, energy and lots of laser tag! The best part is I was able to enjoy it and engage with him without sorrow, allowing myself to be emotionally free and present. That freedom came the day after Mother’s Day last month.

We had just returned from celebrating what could have been a very difficult first Mother’s Day without their mother. I asked and the children unanimously requested to return to the nearby resort where we spent our final family getaway all together just two weeks before she died last year. We had a great time during the 24 hours we were there and I realized that I was focused on and enjoying what I have been given in my children and not focused on the loss. It was liberating.

As we returned home, we stopped off at friends to pick up our dog. One thing led to another and we stayed for dinner. And that’s when the diaper genie came up during a story during the meal.

The diaper genie was a must-have device for new parents to store poopy diapers. Right. Instead of throwing the single nasty nappy away, you stored it in the device until you had a literal S**t-load of diapers to throw out! Who thought this was a good idea? We started laughing about it and soon my tickle box (that’s what my mom calls it) was turned over. My kids were both enthralled and appalled at the same time. I lost it! (In a good way)

I haven’t laughed like that for more than two years! I was crying, lungs searing from lack of oxygen, face sore from grinning. I needed it. It was a breakthrough moment on the road of healing. It felt so good to laugh that deeply. Peace has replaced the laughter. A really good peace.

May you laugh again!

Mission Accomplished

“To be honest, I’m not really ready to come home.” quipped Katie as I picked her and my parents up Saturday night. “I was just getting to know the students and staff and it was hard to leave.”

I’m sure it was. She witnessed several students and staff receive a healing touch from Father God through prayer, participated in multi-lingual worship, provided international babysitting, whipped up and served late night pancakes (twice) for the staff and students, and survived several Romanian cab rides, just to name a few highlights of the week!

I’m thankful to have Katie home, but more grateful still that she was able to meet and interact with an international cast of believers from Romania, Switzerland, Finland and The Netherlands. While my dad provided the primary teaching at the school for the week, Katie was in a support role, soaking up the Spirit and serving as needed.

I think maybe she realized that people are the best gift you get when traveling for mission work (or any travel). Its not the scenery or the adventure…the mission is the people. To connect with them is crucial if any ministry is to take place. And connect she did. I’m proud of her.

You go girl!

Mission Cluj

Katie and my parents are safely in Cluj, Romania for a week of teaching and ministry at the YWAM base there. You may remember that my dad and I made the same trip back in March 2012, right before Kristi was diagnosed. You can find a video and brief story about that trip by looking at this post from June of that year.

Please pray for all three of them this next week as they bless those around them with the love of Jesus. Pray that they would hear and respond to the leading of their Heavenly Father.

My dad is once again teaching on healing and the foundations of spiritual warfare. Pray for open hearts, open minds and an open atmosphere in which to minister.

B-Gone, B-9, B-Healed….Its what Jesus prayed.

Choose Yourself

You’ve been picked! You are chosen. The question is, will you choose back?

God, through Jesus, has chosen you. Awesome, right!? But here’s the catch so many miss. He’s waiting for you to choose back. Not just to choose him…that’s the message we hear all the time from the pulpit… but to choose yourself too. We love to say, “Yes, I choose God! Now He’s in control! I’m off the hook.” Its a “whatever happens now is God’s will for my life” outlook. Nice. You just embraced fate.

Your Father isn’t looking for fatalists. According to Jesus he’s looking for friends. Fatalists are a drag, constantly offloading responsibility. Friends walk side by side, sharing the load. Friends are mutually engaged in the relationship. But to genuinely and authentically engage another, you must first engage yourself. Choose to feel, choose to be open and vulnerable. Choose to commit. Choose to trust. After all, you can’t follow the command to love your neighbor if you don’t love yourself.

Kristi and I were friends. I think that’s what I miss most. One year ago today, her cancer showed up again after its brief hiatus. All the surgeries, the chemo, and the radiation had failed…utterly. It was a scary day. We started out the door that morning for her bone density scan when we got the call that her brain MRI was positive for a tumor. Stunned by the news we quickly changed plans and went to my parent’s place to process and pray. While there Kristi had a debilitating pain attack/seizure that demanded a 911 response and ambulance transfer to the ER. As I followed the ambulance on the freeway, tears soaked my shirt while I sobbed/screamed out “NO!” until I was hoarse.

I just looked back at my post that day. It was quite sedate compared to the emotions surging through me. I was frightened, I was hurting for my wife, and concerned about my children. I was angry too. But the crisis demanded focus to deal with the unfolding events. We got the worst possible diagnosis. It was nip and tuck as to whether she’d even pull through the first two or three days. I wept in the arms of friends and family as the process of losing my wife began.

After that she couldn’t choose herself anymore, relationally anyway. I understood. Her focus was on basic physical tasks. As she regressed from mobile adult to requiring infant level care over the next three and a half months, it was that loss of a friend that hurt most. That loss of intimate confidant. The loss of one who vested her full trust in me and I in her.

I’ll be honest, I still miss that today. I think that’s natural. But it left a big void. One that I’m just now starting to fathom in its entirety. And the thought of choosing myself again? Intimidating. Trusting a broken heart is like standing on a broken leg. The pain shoots out, the leg collapses involuntarily and down you go. Yet, making that choice is the only way forward. If I don’t choose myself, I can’t fully engage with my Father. Healing is there in that relationship. Hope and restoration are too. Those have all felt distant recently. Some nearness would be golden right about now.

So I’ll continue to do the heavy lifting of choosing me. Of being present and honest to not only my Heavenly Father but to myself. Choosing yourself means no hiding…especially from yourself.

The apostle John said “God is love.” His compatriot Paul said “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things…Love never fails.” That means that as I choose myself and Him, that he’ll bear me up when my strength falters, believe in me even when I don’t, impart hope when mine wanes and stand with me through all the hurt. He won’t fail me.

Kind of sounds like wedding vows doesn’t it? Hmm, maybe that’s why He instituted marriage! But that’s another topic for another day.

Will you choose yourself? If it feels too vulnerable or exposed, I get it. It feels like too much responsibility. But that’s life as a lover. Vulnerable, exposed and responsible.

God has made his choice. What’s yours going to be? Will you choose you? Choose love, choose life.

PS- If you hurt too much right now to be open and vulnerable, that’s ok. Start there. Choose yourself by simply sharing with Him how much you hurt. He’ll take that as a starting point. His specialty is restoring brokenness and healing the hurt. He’s dying to lead you out of that place… I for one am glad to be on that path!

Go for the Gold?

Mikaela Shiffrin capped a stellar year by winning the women’s slalom at the winter Olympics in Sochi, Russia yesterday. Already the reigning World Cup and World Champion in the event she added Olympic gold to her collection. Her star is going nowhere but up in the alpine skiing community. Everyone expects her to continue on her rising path, and barring injury, she could become a star in other events as well. There’s a good article on the young lady here.

But what if she made a different choice? What if she said, “You know what, I’ve hit the pinnacle of slalom skiing. Its been amazing! I’m still young, healthy and my life is ahead of me. I want to give back by becoming a teacher and coach.” She certainly has the credentials to do that. Any ski academy would love to have her. I wonder how the press would react. Social Media? I honestly don’t know. It would shock a lot of folks. Someone willingly laying aside the adulation of thousands, a career and endorsement deals and seeking to lift others up.

What if she said this, “I’m retiring. I want to get married, settle down and raise a family. I’ve become the best in the sport, now I want my children to have that same opportunity. I want to be there for them. I want to coach them and nurture them and give them every opportunity to reach their dreams.” Can you imagine the reaction?

Yet isn’t that exactly what her mother has done for her? She has traveled with Mikaela for the last two years on the World Cup, defying the circuit officials in the process, so her daughter had the full support and care she needed as a young teen on the road. Her father was weeping when she won. He’s no doubt been busting his behind to pay the piper for the world cup tours. A prodigious amount of commitment, self sacrifice and love had gone into achieving that win. In fact the article linked above notes how both her father and mother were very deliberate in guiding her to this success.

How would her own parents respond to Mikaela stepping aside to coach or raise a family? After they had labored so many years to get her to this point only to see her lay it aside in order to give back and teach others how to do what she does or pour into her own children…how would they feel?

I don’t have an answer here and I’m not pushing for Mikaela to choose one way or another. I’m simply posing the question to make us think. We love a hero. But a hero who steps aside to lift up others? We’re not sure what to with that.

I’m reminded of this passage: “Though being in very nature God, he did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but relinquished that, emptying himself and taking on the form of a servant, clothed in humanity.”

It was that type of life that actually beat death. That one who had been at the pinnacle of all things and yet gave of himself to make that life available to all people. And many folks still don’t know what to with Him either.