Monthly Archives: March 2015

What She Said Shocked Me, What I said In Response Brought Her To Tears…

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I volunteered to help with an event for my son’s class at school today. Afterwards I was visiting with another parent and she asked if I was from California. “Born in Austin, but grew up in Northern California.” I answered, wondering if she knew or cared about the difference between NorCal and SoCal.

“Me too.” She responded.

Oh, this might actually be interesting. “Where?”

When “Grass Valley” left her lips, you could have picked my mouth up off the floor. “No way!” Was all I could muster in response.

“Why?” She probed.

“I graduated from Nevada Union High.” I was grinning now. Joyfully shocked to be in the presence of someone who not only knew Grass Valley, but understood that living back on Retrac Way off Lime Kiln Road meant I lived in the sticks!

“Bear River!” She pointed to herself.

“That’s where my sister graduated! Wait, did you go to Magnolia Intermediate then?”

“Yep!”

“Unbelievable! We grew up in the same town, went to the same Jr. High and you and my sister went to the same high school and elementary school as well!”

With that exchange, we were off to the races, talking about rural, foothill life from a backwater corner of California. As we relived memories and shared how we each made it to Texas, recent history cropped up and in the rapid fire course of catching up, I told her about Kristi’s illness and subesquent death. She was stunned. Tears immediately flooded her eyes and the conversation halted abruptly until she could gather her composure. I consoled her and assured her that her emotion was appreciated in that it was heartfelt.

I didn’t realize she didn’t know our circumstance. I can’t keep track of who knows and who doesn’t anymore. But when I come across someone who doesn’t know, it of course brings it all back to the front. And there it’s stayed for the rest of the day. I left the school and went to take care of some shopping. As I slipped the key in the ignition, the thought, “She’s not here anymore.” went through my head. That’s why you’re going shopping. That’s why you were at the school this morning. That’s why your kids are in school. And so it rolls.

I remember the shock and fog of the first few months. All those thoughts cascading through my brain would threaten to overwhelm my emotional control and I’d be on the brink of shutdown. I’d clinch my eyes tightly but the tears would flow anyway. How was I going to do this? Could I do it? Training was a real salvation in those days. I could let my emotions and brain rest while I pushed my physical limits.

Today, I have to say that by the time I got into the store, I was focused on finding what I needed and getting home before the kids. Its the new normal. It still feels different, its not even a two year old normal. Every day I’m reminded of the new normal. In ways big and small. I can’t escape it. But here it is. And I realize I have license to decide what to do with this normal. Waste it with “what ifs” or “only ifs”? Or live it. The agency to act is mine. I choose life.

I Decided to Try It

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This chest cold doesn’t bother me much until the afternoon. Today it dropped the hammer at 2PM and I had to shut my eyes for 30 minutes. After shaking off the grogginess I realized Luke had baseball practice this evening. Nice. A perfect time to see if some light training will help push this cold out.

So when Luke trotted off to the ball field, I laced up my running shoes and hit the trail. 45 minutes later I was back after a nice easy five miles. I felt great as the run ended but wondered if I’d crash when we got home and my body came off the running high.

Nope. I did great through dinner and early evening. Looking forward to rest tonight. Hoping I’ll be on the mend now.

So glad I decided to try and push my limits today. It wasn’t vigorous, it was just a gentle nudge to let the body know it needs to get well. Sometimes you just have to push through the resistance.

Today I Sat

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As Katie steered the Honda out of the driveway and off to school, the quiet settled over the house. The sun was shining. Work needed to happen outside. I settled on the back patio, not fit to do much else. I skipped my normal Tuesday morning 5:30AM run with the group. I’m battling some sort of chest cold. I slept in until 6:00AM, what a treat! Saturday is the first long bike ride of the year, 85 miles down around the LBJ ranch. I’d like to be healthy for that. So I’m backing off the physical stress to see if I can kick this.

I felt OK today until about 3:30. Then I just crashed. I went down for a 30 minute nap and then realized when I woke that supper needed to get going because Luke had to leave at 5 for his ball game. I think I’ll need the extra rest tomorrow morning as well so I’m going to skip the 5:30AM swim tomorrow morning too.

Back to the sitting…I sat and I thought and I prayed. What about this? What about that? Little questions. Telling Father what’s on my mind and heart. Giving it to Him to let Him sift it and give it back. No answers yet. That’s ok. I trust Him.



I sat some more tonight. My daughters were inducted into the National Honor Society and as I sat through the ceremony I was so proud of them. They’ve endured so much change in the last 24 months. Their mother went from remission to fading quickly and then gone. They had to go to a new school, make new friends and learn new  skills. They’ve become meal managers and cooks, cleaners and brother sitters. They could have folded, called  it quits and airmailed it in. But they didn’t. I’d like to think part of that reason is that I’ve dedicated myself to being plugged in, leaning into them during this time and forging new relational links that just didn’t have to exist when they had a mother.

Yes, that’s definitely part of it. But part of it is the 50% of their mother they have in them. They’ve handled all the change with amazing grace and skill, just like her. And of course, another part of it is the grace from the Father. He strengthens us when we are weak. All of us have been there. But now we’re working with Him to bring about good things: Luke turns 12 on Monday. We are celebrating on Sunday evening. I’m sorry you won’t be able to come. Its going to be a hoot! LIterally!

Its a Harry Potter themed party complete with owls in cages. Our dining room table is covered in decor, ready to turn our house into everything from Kings Cross Station (Platofrm 9&3/4) to the Hogwarts Castle. The girls are the driving force behind this creative binge, but we’re all engaged. Everyone is excited about it.

We’re doing life together. Celebrating the passage of another year. And believe me, we don’t take those years for granted any more! A birthday celebration is big news!

I thought today would be wasted, in the sitting. But in the sitting I found rest not only for my body but encouragement for my heart and soul.

You.Create

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I carried death yesterday. I was a pall bearer for my grandmother. Bearing the pall. Such a graphic image. The finality was palpable. As we eased her casket onto the rollers over the grave, I was glad to be relieved of my burden.

Death isn’t something we enjoy handling up close. But many of us who’ve been touched by it, refuse to let it go. We carry its pall around with us, letting it color everything we encounter. Of course that’s a choice. There is another alternative.

Create. Creation is the very essence of humanity. We learn in the opening pages of the Bible that God created humankind in his image. The ability to create is at the core of that likeness.

Create what?

Life. Goodness. Wholeness. Just to pick three.

I don’t think its accidental that the first image the Bible paints of Father God is the creator, the author, the originator of good life. He created only good. In fact when God answers Job, his answer is a recounting of all the natural wonders he created. And what he created was good. God isn’t the author of death.  He didn’t create it. He made life.

Jesus demonstrated this same penchant for creating good through the way he lived his life. To make sure no one got confused, he blatantly said: “If you’ve seen me, you’ve seen the Father.” In other words, the work I’m doing, this is the essence of my Dad’s heart.

And then he invited anyone who wanted to follow his example. To be a partner in bringing life, freedom and goodness. Then he enabled us to do that very thing through his death and resurrection.

So where does that leave you? You have a choice. Try to hang on, survive, avoid pain and just get by. Or go and create.

Bring life. Build up. Give.

Don’t think you’re equipped to do that? Are you using oxygen? You’ve got what it takes. You won’t be prepared, you won’t feel ready. Just start. It may not work out the first time. That’s ok. Keep after it.

Consistent effort will soon produce a habit of looking for ways to create goodness. Here’s a post I did last year about changing habitual actions in 30 days time.

The choice: carry around death (death is static, unchanging and unable to adapt) or create life, goodness, wholeness, etc?

You.Create (hint: its a command)

 

What Are You Going to Do with the Time Given You?

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I must admit, I came to J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Lord of the Rings trilogy via the initial movie by Peter Jackson. However I gobbled up all the novels before the last two movies came out. While I love the entire trilogy, I still think the first book and movie are my favorite. And out of many weighty passages, the one that is perhaps most meaningful now to me is an exchange that takes place between Frodo and Gandalf while lost deep under the Misty Mountains in the mines of Moria. Gandalf is providing Frodo deeper context to his quest to destroy the ring. Frodo isn’t happy with his predicament. The back and forth ends with this:

“I wish it need not have happened in my time,” said Frodo.

“So do I,” said Gandalf, “and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.” (The Fellowship of the Ring)

Like Frodo, its your call. Frodo has already endured loss and more will come his way. I don’t expect my life will be free of loss, pain and grief from here on out. What I do know is that I am determined to thrive… to bring life, build up and give hope along the way.

What are you going to do with the time that is given to you?